Dear Diary, a great deal has happened since I last wrote. The year is at it's "semi final", I know, still I'll wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR, seeing as I didn't write to you since the beginning of this year. I just wasn't inspired, I don't think I was experiencing that "writer's block" thingie, I just wasn't inspired enough to write.
I have changed, even I am low key afraid of the change. Pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages......
I almost didn't survive to be 26. I was deathly ill the week before my birthday. I was afraid, I'll be honest with you. I asked some people to pray for me. It was a miracle I survived. Twice, I almost went under the knife, twice it was canceled. I have let that go,, for now. What's the use in fighting it? What's the use in giving myself a headache?? I've done all I can to stay stable, I have been stable (glory be to God!), I need stable health to pursue my every goal and dream, right?
I withdrew some more from a lot of people, I let myself become a stranger. My circle is basically my three best friends, my boyfriend, and to a fine extent, his sister. These are the regulars in my life right now, and I'm happy with this. Sometimes I miss my old life, how I'd turn up and party, go from date to date and not feeling like slowing down, but that life didn't give me FOCUS. My new version is so focused and direct, she only wants to achieve and nothing else really matters to her. The disadvantage to this new me is this; I DON'T CARE ABOUT MANY THINGS ANYMORE. My feelings have become nearly numb. I'm like an android just moving about. Sure I still laugh, still find some things funny, still genuinely feel pain and sorrow,, but it's not many things or people that can activate my humanity. I am consciously fighting hard to hold on to my humanity, it's important to me.
I came out this year, no, not as a gay person! I came out as a musician. I'd been hiding for far too long. I debuted on my birthday. A song titled; Sweetest Taboo. I had written down the title since 2015 or was it 2016?? Anyways, I had written down that title a long time ago, just title, no actual song. It's what I do, I have titles I've written, no actual song to them, simply titles...it will come when it comes. I let things flow to me, and flow they do.
On the second of this month, this September, I released a song, a cover of a cover. I came across the song by chance. My friend Siege (who happens to be a producer) played the song for me to listen and I was hooked! He wanted to cover it, I too said the same thing. Well I did mine before him, not that there was a competition, I just couldn't wait, heck I waited long enough! The cover was done way earlier, August early, I was waiting for my friend/producer, Ditweni to finish with the video, yes there's a video to it, nothing fancy, just a lovely video of me singing the song. The song is titled; Sad and Low (Cover of Cover). So far, the response has been AMAZING!
Let me tell you what happened the day I finally got the video. I was at my partner's, alone and down (I've been going through a lot lately, felt like there was no end to it), there I was, feeling empty and down, then Ditweni sent me the video and the finished work of the song. I stood up, I was feeling a lot of emotions, tension, fear, happiness, pain, relief....all washing over me. I needed a song desperately, I searched and searched, I didn't know what the song was, but I knew I needed a song to heal me. Then it came to my screen. HOLY GHOST AIR by Ty Bello and Nathaniel Bassey. I gave myself to the song and I became possessed by it, then it got to the part where it said; holy ghost, I need you, I need grace, I need more... I sang along and was doing a sorta spiritual dance, it wasn't a normal dance. Then, I started crying...hot, bottled up emotions burst open. I kept saying the words weakly, I kept crying the words actually, I clung to the wall beside me, sobbing hard, then I lowered my body to the ground and let the chants flow through me. I don't speak "tongues", but I knew those chants were healing. That song is a POWERFUL song. I tremble in recognition as I write this. Ty Bello is a SPIRIT. She is no ordinary being. I have felt her energy a few times and that energy isn't anybody's mate! If you need release, play Holy Ghost Air.
Just in case those I cut off read this, I want you to know I wish you well, the energy was no longer right between us, and I don't force things, I had to let go. I'll always appreciate the good years we had, it was unfortunate that the change happened, but I know firsthand that people change, so I hold no grudge.
#Shalom.
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