Dear Diary, wassup wassssuuuuupp!!! (I'm not asking, I'm telling you). So the past few weeks have been packed with various challenges, and with these challenges came different kinds of emotion. I went from hyper, to meh, to omg, to angry, to help me! Etc I don't feel ready to disclose the basic reasons why I've felt this way. Hopefully I'll find the....courage? (Is this the word I'm looking for? I'm not sure but I'll settle for this) So, the "courage" to tell you. One thing I can say for sure tho, it wasn't easy, but there are people in my life who make it better for me, these people won't leave me (it seems). They have made it their job to "check on Amy, make sure she isn't drowning". I'm not mocking, I'm legit appreciative. These people aren't even my "family" (you get me?) But I consider them family, I don't care what social studies told me.
I was supposed to be in my state by now, technically, I was supposed to be there yesterday. Imo state. My very young cousin decided marriage was her do or die affair right now and her parents backed her up. I was very upset the moment I heard the news. She's so young, I don't even wanna think about it. I grudgingly did some shopping for my cousins, I followed my mom to the market (half grudgingly). She was dragging her feet and being as slow as a tortoise. Ugh! I snapped at her and wanted to leave her there and just go home. We finally went home, I snapped some more and nagged and nagged about how I had to spend for a wedding that was short notice, I nagged about how she is having to spend too, and the trip also added to the expenses (mom, my siblings and I were to travel). When it was time to braid her hair, I kept nagging and fuming as I braided her hair. My mother chose to ignore me, which was best, I don't do well in that mode. The day before, I had turned down a job blaming it on the amount. I had to tell myself this to make me feel better. In truth, it was the traditional wedding of my cousin that had me doing that. Gospel. This irked me the more! Having to turn down a job cos of a wedding I wasn't particularly happy about. But like I said, I lied to myself that it was the amount that made me turn it down. While I was braiding my mom's hair, another job came, this time I agreed. This amount was not even an amount I'd agree to normally, but as though I was in a trance, I said yes. I still didn't feel better, rather, I felt worse.
Conflicted feelings since Wednesday (the day the job I said yes to came) had me restless and angry at myself. Thursday came and my mother left with my sibs, I saw them off, then as they were leaving, I had the urge to run after them and tell them to wait for me, that I had changed my mind and wanted to go. Too late. Today is the day I'm supposed to be working, I woke up with mixed feelings, this job wasn't feeling right. What was I thinking when I accepted the offer?? I took time doing everything I had to do. Hey, my dad is still here and he has to eat when he gets back no? Ofcourse I had to cook for him and keep it. Ofcourse I had to tend to the triplets (chickens) my mom left in my care, ofcourse I had to go buy the rice I couldda gotten the next day, I had to do it today! Because feelings. So when I saw that rain start by 1pm, I knew I didn't wanna go anymore, I knew I wanted out, I knew I wanted to stay home and just dance and breathe and live! So I sent a message canceling and I returned the money. Whew! I just lost a job, maybe even the client too (they've been my client since last year) but I got my joy back! Somehow I became happy, I stripped to my panties and bra, and I danced and danced and danced alone in our living room. I feel free.
I was supposed to be in my state by now, technically, I was supposed to be there yesterday. Imo state. My very young cousin decided marriage was her do or die affair right now and her parents backed her up. I was very upset the moment I heard the news. She's so young, I don't even wanna think about it. I grudgingly did some shopping for my cousins, I followed my mom to the market (half grudgingly). She was dragging her feet and being as slow as a tortoise. Ugh! I snapped at her and wanted to leave her there and just go home. We finally went home, I snapped some more and nagged and nagged about how I had to spend for a wedding that was short notice, I nagged about how she is having to spend too, and the trip also added to the expenses (mom, my siblings and I were to travel). When it was time to braid her hair, I kept nagging and fuming as I braided her hair. My mother chose to ignore me, which was best, I don't do well in that mode. The day before, I had turned down a job blaming it on the amount. I had to tell myself this to make me feel better. In truth, it was the traditional wedding of my cousin that had me doing that. Gospel. This irked me the more! Having to turn down a job cos of a wedding I wasn't particularly happy about. But like I said, I lied to myself that it was the amount that made me turn it down. While I was braiding my mom's hair, another job came, this time I agreed. This amount was not even an amount I'd agree to normally, but as though I was in a trance, I said yes. I still didn't feel better, rather, I felt worse.
Conflicted feelings since Wednesday (the day the job I said yes to came) had me restless and angry at myself. Thursday came and my mother left with my sibs, I saw them off, then as they were leaving, I had the urge to run after them and tell them to wait for me, that I had changed my mind and wanted to go. Too late. Today is the day I'm supposed to be working, I woke up with mixed feelings, this job wasn't feeling right. What was I thinking when I accepted the offer?? I took time doing everything I had to do. Hey, my dad is still here and he has to eat when he gets back no? Ofcourse I had to cook for him and keep it. Ofcourse I had to tend to the triplets (chickens) my mom left in my care, ofcourse I had to go buy the rice I couldda gotten the next day, I had to do it today! Because feelings. So when I saw that rain start by 1pm, I knew I didn't wanna go anymore, I knew I wanted out, I knew I wanted to stay home and just dance and breathe and live! So I sent a message canceling and I returned the money. Whew! I just lost a job, maybe even the client too (they've been my client since last year) but I got my joy back! Somehow I became happy, I stripped to my panties and bra, and I danced and danced and danced alone in our living room. I feel free.
Another Amazing Story. U lost a job tho? *Mixed Feelings*
ReplyDeleteThank you. Yeah I did lose that job.
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