Dear Diary, It's been over two months since I last came to you. I won't apologize, but I'll try to explain why. By the end of February, I was getting more and more disturbed and angry at a bunch of people. These people had no idea what I could do to them or their social standing. They kept pushing buttons they couldnt handle. See, I have little or nothing to lose, I love to remind people of this fact so they know not to push me. These other people on the other hand, had A WHOLE LOT to lose. But nah, they be playing. I'm trying to do better, be better,, because of this I opted for the "leave" option. Better for all of us o. So I stayed away from almost everyone for a complete month. Some people thought I was sad or depressed, fam, I was breathing easy, having good flow of energies around me. I was only a little ill at a point but I beat that crisis. (No, I'm not a sickle cell patient). During this "leave of absence", people kept checking in on me. I appreciated most of them, some I didn't appreciate and I won't lie. I'm thinking, how dare you check on me when you don't like me? Do you even wish me well? Stay the fuck away from me you hypocrite! Yet I managed to be polite and gracious (Jesus is indeed Lord!).
April came and I became active again, slowly but surely. Problem was, I had changed. A lot. I didn't want to be around so many people anymore, I wanted them far away from me. Diarina, I wanted to come to you, I wanted to write, but I couldn't! I felt blocked. I felt like I had nothing to say to you. That's all gone now, I have things to say to you..
Before Easter, my ex roommate/friend sent me a whatsapp message one sad morning. I had been siting on the floor wailing bitterly. I hadn't cried like that since this year but that morning was different. My cousin had sent me a photo of our grandma. It was sooo horrible, soo painful for me, I broke down instantly. I cried like a widow would. Seeing my once robust granny now looking like an almost skeleton did quite the number on me. I didn't want to talk to anybody, didn't want to read or reply anyone, then I saw Sarah's name in the notification. My eyes were temporarily blinded by tears but I wiped them off, grabbed a tissue and blew my nose. (God I looked very pitiful). Sarah hadn't sent me a message since the new year, and I knew i had to respond instantly. She went on and on about how she was upset with me. She had wanted me to come for two different occasions and I couldn't. Because work on those same days. She told me her grandma had just died and I sighed. Then I admitted that I'd been weeping before her message. She did her best to console me.
Fast forward last week Wednesday, we were all packed and ready to leave Nigeria for Republic Du Benin. Where her granny was to be buried. I had lived there for over three years, Sarah and I. Oh the excitement I felt as I was packing! I was going back to visit the country that was home to me once. I grabbed a brand new travel bag, asin cha cha brand new kwa o. Opened my closet and started throwing in things. I even threw in two pairs of shoes because I couldn't decide which to go with. You can sense how excited I was ba? Wait for it.
We finally got there and my head suddenly received the sense it temporarily lacked when I was throwing things into my bag. It was the village!! I mean VILLAGE! Suddenly, all my excitement died off! I looked around me and wondered how I'd cope, how I'd be able to sleep, bath, poop, etc. Sheybi my head was supposed to have sense that since it was a granny's burial, it was most likely gonna be in the village ba? But nooo, my own head told me fancy fancy things, in short, now that I think about it, my head even painted a picture of me lying down at a beautiful beach sipping coconut water with a beautiful beach hat!! Damn!
We got to keep our luggages and oh my God there were lots of luggages. People were invited. Sarah's father is a pastor. A "shepherd" as the celestial people call their head pastors. Now imagine how many people came. The entire church came! Me I was just worrying and worrying. Before I left Nigeria, I went to our hospital for a test because I knew I was ill. I always know. Heck I always even know what I have. I told the doctor I had malaria and he told me not to conclude like that. I smiled and looked at this doctor that felt I was stupid or something. Bitch I know my own body STFU! Last last, it was malaria just as I said it. I smirked at him and he knew I was gloating. I told him to write down a couple of drugs I'd require including vitamin c. He looked up and asked me why I needed vitamin c. "Because I need vitamin c". I retorted. This doctor was pissing me off. He's a young man of about 27-33. You won't believe this doctor didn't write down my vitamin c!! When I was given my drugs, I looked at them individually and asked the pharmacist, "is this all??" He said it was all. I turned and started marching into the doctor's office. I had a good mind to slap his table and ask why he didn't write down what I wanted. The universe saved us both. There was another patient in the room. I stood there, inhaled and exhaled. (Something I do when I'm trying to calm down) Then I raised my nose in the air and beckoned to Amarachi who had excorted me. She knew I was a bit angry. I told her what happened and she chuckled. We left.
Back to the Village gist Diarina (let's not lose focus). We got a mat and spread it on the ground. Under a tent that was made for the event. Some how i knew that was where we would sleep that night and possibly the rest of my stay. I panicked. See ehn, I'm not an "ajebo" well at least not a full one, but that made me a bit panicky, I wonder why. Maybe it was my health issues I was worried about, I don't know. Maybe it was the too many people I was seeing around that worried me at that time, I don't know. I wanted to have my bath, I went to the bathroom, I felt jumpy. I didn't even spend up to 5minutes in that bathroom. I bathed real quick and scurried off. My nightly products cannot be missed so I sha applied them. Abeg I'm a beauty addict. My sister says I would rub poop on my face if science tells me it's rich in whatever vitamins. This she swears on. Maybe she's right. I don't know. I layed on that mat and oddly enough, I slept well. There were no mosquitoes, nada. At noon, it was very humid, but at midnight the air became cool. I slept peacefully till the early hours of dawn. Fever had set in. Shet!
I got up and had my bath/brush/dress up. My friend Dorcas who lives in that country had asked me to come see her. She knew I was coming. I mean how do you go to somebody's town and you don't tell them you're in that town or you're coming to their town?? I told Sarah and her brothers I was going for a visit then I left. Oh, first I changed some money (you can't be spending your own legal tender in another country now can ya?) Chineke meeee!! I was shocked to discover how fallen our money is now. Back then, a thousand naira was 3,500 CFA/Cefa. Guess what?? It's now 1000 naira to 1,500CFA! Nigeria, I weep for thee. I was spending expensively, it was insane. A short trip had me paying like 1k naira which is expensive and illogical. How can you spend 1k from like Oshodi to Dopemu?? Will you not shout?? And I had to roam one of my sim. Just to call me and me replying "hello, please I'll call you later, bye". 80naira zapped! Mind you, the caller too is paying from his/her side o. I made a minute call and 300 fucking naira was zapped! My head wan blow! You know that feeling when you feel you're being ripped? Yeah that. I'd have preferred to take a candle, hold up three hundred naira and burn it. I'd have preferred that.
A quick trip to my old restaurant made me a bit happy. The restaurant is/was right on the same street as ours. Just four houses away. Papa as we used to call the owner of the restaurant was thrilled to see me again. He called another old friend of ours to come see me, they both said I'd become more beautiful. I grinned. I shamelessly danced in public there at the restaurant, something I used to do back then. Papa said I hadn't changed one bit and we all laughed. It was indeed a good evening.
I couldn't go back to Akitigbo Ori Oke (Sarah's village) that same night so I slept at Dorcas's. She told me she wanted to be more like me, carefree, confident, unafraid.. She asked me to help her be like me. I told her I couldn't help her "be more like me",I don't know how to help a person be a clone of me. I can only give guidelines and hope the person listens. Then I told her she had things I didn't have inside her. She has more innocence than I do. I'm very aware of the world, a factor that affects one's innocence. I literally know what people are thinking, what they'd do next, etc. I like playing "predict and win" with myself. This has robbed me of almost all innocence. I'm not the girl I once was. I mingled with people who changed me in 2015 and I learn very fast. It's both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because nobody can fool me. A curse beacsue now I'm too "aware". I may smile and act like I don't know, I actually know. There are days I look at my old photos and just want to go back to that child who wasn't "cynical", but it's too late now. I now enjoy being "aware"...
Got back to Akitigbo right before we left for church. Back from church and we buried her. Nobody cried. I held some soil and took a minute to reflect on life and how I'll end up eventually. Six feet under, it hit home and I felt myself about to drop a tear or two, I poured the soil into the grave, turned away quickly and moved away. It was a celebration of life.
Granny was a hundred. Ripe and old. Children and grand children.
That same night, we knew we couldn't sleep there, so we went looking for a hotel. Hei God o! The place we found eh! In short iyam tayad. Zero customer service, untidy bathrooms, you name it! I was sha glad to have a room and a bathroom, what else could I do? What else could we all do?? There was no other option around us. My health was really bad. I kept praying for strength. They'll never know how sick I was, they'll never know the pain I was going through. It was worth it. I loved the people, they loved me. At the end of it all, the crowd didn't worry me, we were one family.
PS; I never wore any of the shoes I took, I never wore the jewelry, didn't wear all the clothes. Isn't it funny? Hahaha. Xoxo! #ImOut
April came and I became active again, slowly but surely. Problem was, I had changed. A lot. I didn't want to be around so many people anymore, I wanted them far away from me. Diarina, I wanted to come to you, I wanted to write, but I couldn't! I felt blocked. I felt like I had nothing to say to you. That's all gone now, I have things to say to you..
Before Easter, my ex roommate/friend sent me a whatsapp message one sad morning. I had been siting on the floor wailing bitterly. I hadn't cried like that since this year but that morning was different. My cousin had sent me a photo of our grandma. It was sooo horrible, soo painful for me, I broke down instantly. I cried like a widow would. Seeing my once robust granny now looking like an almost skeleton did quite the number on me. I didn't want to talk to anybody, didn't want to read or reply anyone, then I saw Sarah's name in the notification. My eyes were temporarily blinded by tears but I wiped them off, grabbed a tissue and blew my nose. (God I looked very pitiful). Sarah hadn't sent me a message since the new year, and I knew i had to respond instantly. She went on and on about how she was upset with me. She had wanted me to come for two different occasions and I couldn't. Because work on those same days. She told me her grandma had just died and I sighed. Then I admitted that I'd been weeping before her message. She did her best to console me.
Fast forward last week Wednesday, we were all packed and ready to leave Nigeria for Republic Du Benin. Where her granny was to be buried. I had lived there for over three years, Sarah and I. Oh the excitement I felt as I was packing! I was going back to visit the country that was home to me once. I grabbed a brand new travel bag, asin cha cha brand new kwa o. Opened my closet and started throwing in things. I even threw in two pairs of shoes because I couldn't decide which to go with. You can sense how excited I was ba? Wait for it.
We finally got there and my head suddenly received the sense it temporarily lacked when I was throwing things into my bag. It was the village!! I mean VILLAGE! Suddenly, all my excitement died off! I looked around me and wondered how I'd cope, how I'd be able to sleep, bath, poop, etc. Sheybi my head was supposed to have sense that since it was a granny's burial, it was most likely gonna be in the village ba? But nooo, my own head told me fancy fancy things, in short, now that I think about it, my head even painted a picture of me lying down at a beautiful beach sipping coconut water with a beautiful beach hat!! Damn!
We got to keep our luggages and oh my God there were lots of luggages. People were invited. Sarah's father is a pastor. A "shepherd" as the celestial people call their head pastors. Now imagine how many people came. The entire church came! Me I was just worrying and worrying. Before I left Nigeria, I went to our hospital for a test because I knew I was ill. I always know. Heck I always even know what I have. I told the doctor I had malaria and he told me not to conclude like that. I smiled and looked at this doctor that felt I was stupid or something. Bitch I know my own body STFU! Last last, it was malaria just as I said it. I smirked at him and he knew I was gloating. I told him to write down a couple of drugs I'd require including vitamin c. He looked up and asked me why I needed vitamin c. "Because I need vitamin c". I retorted. This doctor was pissing me off. He's a young man of about 27-33. You won't believe this doctor didn't write down my vitamin c!! When I was given my drugs, I looked at them individually and asked the pharmacist, "is this all??" He said it was all. I turned and started marching into the doctor's office. I had a good mind to slap his table and ask why he didn't write down what I wanted. The universe saved us both. There was another patient in the room. I stood there, inhaled and exhaled. (Something I do when I'm trying to calm down) Then I raised my nose in the air and beckoned to Amarachi who had excorted me. She knew I was a bit angry. I told her what happened and she chuckled. We left.
Back to the Village gist Diarina (let's not lose focus). We got a mat and spread it on the ground. Under a tent that was made for the event. Some how i knew that was where we would sleep that night and possibly the rest of my stay. I panicked. See ehn, I'm not an "ajebo" well at least not a full one, but that made me a bit panicky, I wonder why. Maybe it was my health issues I was worried about, I don't know. Maybe it was the too many people I was seeing around that worried me at that time, I don't know. I wanted to have my bath, I went to the bathroom, I felt jumpy. I didn't even spend up to 5minutes in that bathroom. I bathed real quick and scurried off. My nightly products cannot be missed so I sha applied them. Abeg I'm a beauty addict. My sister says I would rub poop on my face if science tells me it's rich in whatever vitamins. This she swears on. Maybe she's right. I don't know. I layed on that mat and oddly enough, I slept well. There were no mosquitoes, nada. At noon, it was very humid, but at midnight the air became cool. I slept peacefully till the early hours of dawn. Fever had set in. Shet!
I got up and had my bath/brush/dress up. My friend Dorcas who lives in that country had asked me to come see her. She knew I was coming. I mean how do you go to somebody's town and you don't tell them you're in that town or you're coming to their town?? I told Sarah and her brothers I was going for a visit then I left. Oh, first I changed some money (you can't be spending your own legal tender in another country now can ya?) Chineke meeee!! I was shocked to discover how fallen our money is now. Back then, a thousand naira was 3,500 CFA/Cefa. Guess what?? It's now 1000 naira to 1,500CFA! Nigeria, I weep for thee. I was spending expensively, it was insane. A short trip had me paying like 1k naira which is expensive and illogical. How can you spend 1k from like Oshodi to Dopemu?? Will you not shout?? And I had to roam one of my sim. Just to call me and me replying "hello, please I'll call you later, bye". 80naira zapped! Mind you, the caller too is paying from his/her side o. I made a minute call and 300 fucking naira was zapped! My head wan blow! You know that feeling when you feel you're being ripped? Yeah that. I'd have preferred to take a candle, hold up three hundred naira and burn it. I'd have preferred that.
A quick trip to my old restaurant made me a bit happy. The restaurant is/was right on the same street as ours. Just four houses away. Papa as we used to call the owner of the restaurant was thrilled to see me again. He called another old friend of ours to come see me, they both said I'd become more beautiful. I grinned. I shamelessly danced in public there at the restaurant, something I used to do back then. Papa said I hadn't changed one bit and we all laughed. It was indeed a good evening.
I couldn't go back to Akitigbo Ori Oke (Sarah's village) that same night so I slept at Dorcas's. She told me she wanted to be more like me, carefree, confident, unafraid.. She asked me to help her be like me. I told her I couldn't help her "be more like me",I don't know how to help a person be a clone of me. I can only give guidelines and hope the person listens. Then I told her she had things I didn't have inside her. She has more innocence than I do. I'm very aware of the world, a factor that affects one's innocence. I literally know what people are thinking, what they'd do next, etc. I like playing "predict and win" with myself. This has robbed me of almost all innocence. I'm not the girl I once was. I mingled with people who changed me in 2015 and I learn very fast. It's both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because nobody can fool me. A curse beacsue now I'm too "aware". I may smile and act like I don't know, I actually know. There are days I look at my old photos and just want to go back to that child who wasn't "cynical", but it's too late now. I now enjoy being "aware"...
Got back to Akitigbo right before we left for church. Back from church and we buried her. Nobody cried. I held some soil and took a minute to reflect on life and how I'll end up eventually. Six feet under, it hit home and I felt myself about to drop a tear or two, I poured the soil into the grave, turned away quickly and moved away. It was a celebration of life.
Granny was a hundred. Ripe and old. Children and grand children.
That same night, we knew we couldn't sleep there, so we went looking for a hotel. Hei God o! The place we found eh! In short iyam tayad. Zero customer service, untidy bathrooms, you name it! I was sha glad to have a room and a bathroom, what else could I do? What else could we all do?? There was no other option around us. My health was really bad. I kept praying for strength. They'll never know how sick I was, they'll never know the pain I was going through. It was worth it. I loved the people, they loved me. At the end of it all, the crowd didn't worry me, we were one family.
PS; I never wore any of the shoes I took, I never wore the jewelry, didn't wear all the clothes. Isn't it funny? Hahaha. Xoxo! #ImOut
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